Bagels
My roommate Jordan LOVES bagels. Seriously. He sporadically comes home with a pack of gourmet bagels and thoroughly enjoys the experience they provide. My last roommate in France loved bagels too. His name is Evan. On Saturdays, he'd occassionally get up and say "I'm going to go be Jewish today."
Confused, I'd ask him what the hell he's talking about.
"I'm going to the Marais, and getting some bagels."
-"Yeah, okay."
Well, I guess Jewish people really do like bagels but Evan was a small sample population. So I ask Jordan "Are you Jewish?" -- I actually had heard he was before but I wanted to confirm.
Confused, he replies "Yes, why?"
I reply with " cause I heard Jewish people really like bagels."
Anyways, now Jordan says he can't ever again have a bagel without first contemplating my pseudo racist generalization/stereotype comment first. eh....
Evan's Response is at the comments section. He can be reached at the link in my sidebar.
4 Comments:
testing comments
August 4, 2004 at 7:20 PM
this is a test of the comments thingee
August 4, 2004 at 7:21 PM
In response to one of Reza's posts, it's true, Jews love bagels. Since I'm only
half jewish and therefore only entitled to half an opinion on this subject, I
called some of my purebreed high school friends from New York City for a
"scientific survey" to confirm that they too love bagels.
First up, Alexander Liebman. Qualifications: I attended his bar-mitzvah in 7th
grade. Conclusion: Oy, Bagels are better than gefilte fish.
Evan: Alex, are you still part of the Jew crew?
Alex: You better believe it.
Evan: Then why are you answering your cell phone on a Saturday?
Alex: I went to Yale.
Evan: Alex, you're changing the subject. Listen, as a bonafide Jew, do you
like bagels?
Alex: Like a fat kid loves cake.
Evan: You ripped that line from 50 Cent didn't you?
Alex: No, he used to attend Hebrew School with me.
Armed with my high school directory, a cell phone and a prostate the size of a
watermelon, I continued with my research.
Second up, Victor Sussmann. Qualifications: President of my high school's
official Jew Crew organization. Conclusion: Baruch et atoi adonoi, elu hayneu
melahaolum. . .
Evan: Victor, in the Seven Day's War which side did you support?
Victor: Well Evan, I wasn't alive then, but I suppose I would have supported
Israel.
Evan: So, what you're saying is you're gay.
Victor: Evan, you always were an asshole.
Evan: Victor, baby, no need to resort to ad-hominem attacks (I really messed
with his mind on this one). But, listen, I'm really calling to find out if you
like bagels.
Victor: I like them so much that I'll even say a prayer for them. . .Bauch et
atoi. . .
2 for 2 I thought to myself as I picked up the phone to call Rami Perlman.
Qualifications: son of famed violinist Itzhak Perlman and the guy with the most
Jewish name I've ever heard. Conclusion: Evan, don't ever call me again.
Evan: Rami, my man, how deep is the crew of Jews you roll with these days? or
have you been goyed by a shixa with the mixa?
Rami: What the fuck does that mean?
Evan: Never question Bruce Dickinson.
Rami: Evan, you're an idiot.
Evan: Maybe, but at least I like my salmon like I like my men. Raw and slapped
on top of a bagel with cream cheese.
Rami: Same here. Now please lose my number and never call me again.
Word must have gotten out that I was harassing my friends because the next 20
people I called either weren't home or were too busy to take my call. Also, in
the days following my phone calls I received several restraining orders and was
beaten up by bunch of street toughs in black gowns and yamhakas.
Conclusions of this very scientific survey: 3.5 out of 3.5 Jews love bagels. .
.and I don't want Reza operating on me. Never.
Also, to save the FBI the effort of intercepting an email sent from a Jew to a
Muslim containing several key words like "Jew" "Jewish" "Reza" "Bagel" "Several"
and "FBI" I have taken the liberty of BCC'ing them on this email. You're
welcome boys.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to set up my profile on JDate.com. . .the only
all Jewish singles network.
Ahoy,
Evan BernsteinbergWactellCohenGoldbergMann
August 15, 2004 at 3:53 AM
Funny stuff. Especially Evan's response. Couldn't stop laughing!
-Philip
August 17, 2004 at 4:32 PM
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