recent email to my roommates

Hi,
I am the roll of bathroom toilet paper
I have feelings too
It's bad enough that I was made out of recycled paper into a hollow round orifice. But when I'm separated from my toilet paper roll brethrens, I only look forward to one occasion and that is the beautiful tight penetration of the bathroom toilet paper roll holder into my wide orifice.that's all I ask for. I mean I go stuck with the recycled paper and I get ripped off constantly as you tear off my sheets and wipe your ass. Must you deprive me of the one last gratification of putting me in the right position on the bathroom toilet paper roller. Must I just lay on top of it and be teased knowing I'm only a couple of seconds and a little bit of effort from that great penetrating satisfaction I was born to experience . Pleas oh please, put me in the right spot. I don't belong on top of the toilet paper holder and I surely don't belong on top of the toilet itself. No, I belong in the penetrated position. Stop depriving me of this last pleasure.
Sincerely yous,
Charmin toilet paper roll.