weird ass parents

so today this four monther comes in for vaccines and as part of his physical exam i have to check his package, you know, make sure the inguinal nodes are there and that his nutsack isn't empty. the sucker kept crying until i noticed him stop and smile and suddenly... tada, urine all over my shirt. little *(E*$&#)#!! so i walked around all day smelling of baby urine

but it gets better
later on in the day, another mom thought that the sight of her 6monther's penis might traumatize me and covered it up with her hand to protect his privacy or maybe her innocence or maybe my innocence, i don't know but i was like "ma'am i just need to make sure he has good peripheral pusles and there isn 't a problem with his descending aorta." i mean, come on people. the kids three days old. you'd think a grown woman with a baby would be more mature.

on a more serious note, i have seen many sad things.
there's this obscure disease called leisch nyhan syndrome where kids have HGPRT deficiency leading to abnormal purine metabolism (do you see why it's "obscure" and easy to forget). the kids end up mutilating themselves and being really wierd with cherry red maculas etc. every med student memorizes and forgets about the good ol leisch nyhan right away at least three times in the course of their career. well, no I, for i got to work with THE Dr. Nyhan who immediately pimped me about an obscure metabolic diseae and by sheer luck i remembered that beta glucorerbrosidase deficiency led to nieman-pick disorder. anyways, he was slightly impressed and i was on his good side. i saw SO MANY weird kids. Hurler's syndrome, PKU, Neimann Pick, etc.... the kids were still cute but man, they looked really different and sick with a million problems. sad yet encouraging that someone was taking care of these vulnerable precious kids. the end of the day, the famous doctor even let me dictate, which was awesome except i ended up calling the dictation people and freezing, not sure exactly what to say, so i just winged it. i hope he likes it. all said and done though, i htink i'm going back into a surgery phase again.

Peds

man, peds is fun. these little rugrats are like a barrel of monkeys. half the kids: absolutely innocent and cute as hell, you wish you could play pikaboo all day. sometimes i get so caught up playing and making funny noises with them that I forget I'm there to do a medical exam. But then there's the other half that are, well, cranky as hell. serious: they start crying their heart out over absolutely nothing and then all this snot runs out of their mouth and they freakin piss all over your white coat as you go to make sure their damn testicles have descended appropriately. the best is when they're twins and you do two exams at once. once, one twin was the embodiment of peace and the other was just straight up meaner than dick cheney and who would want to deal with dick cheney? anyways, i'm pretty good with the kids. next week is newborn nursery and that's really gonna be fun. those little kidos don't even really look human. it's like their bodies just took a crash course through evolution, from scales and fishlungs to what they are now and their faces are still settling in, especially because they just got all squished up coming out of the birth canal and uterus and sometimes they have huge distorted heads because of the suction vacuum gizmo we have to use. don't worry, their heads return to a normal oval in like 4-6 weeks. oh, and their cry, man, it is very different, it's not like crying as much as it is just simply screaming with these small airways and vocal cords that sound like those keys all the way on the left side of the piano except the noise doesn't end, the arghh..... just goes on and on and on and on until you get them to suck on your pinky, which they just absolutely love, and that might get them to quiet for like five minutes at which point you better have finished your exam and can let the nurses deal with them.